I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
