So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
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I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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