just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
