My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
