turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
