Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
