All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
