I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Pooping to opera.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
