I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
