Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's shark week go big or go home
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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