Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
