I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
