Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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