then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down