oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.