Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder