Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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