Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
