Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
