rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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