Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
