You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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