Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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