a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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