just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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