chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
