I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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