How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
