Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
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someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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