I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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