I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
