Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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