Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
