you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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