you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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