Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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