When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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