i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
