Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
