I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
