she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
