new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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