Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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