You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
A+ Viking dick
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
