i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You took a bar mat shot.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
