Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
