I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
