i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
