Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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