How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Shame - the story of my life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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