apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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