i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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