Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
