I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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