She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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