I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
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Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
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He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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